Austin Stevens’ Blog 7
Monday 19th April
Had a fine weekend. Went to Knowsley Safari Park and I have this brief report to present to the M.C.
Reindeer are horny, as are elands and bongos. Giraffe pooh smells like marijuana and is much smaller than you would expect, not much bigger than that of a guinea pig, which is surprising.
Rhinoceroses look mental and ace, as do really shaggy camels. Suggest we mess with neither.
Normal lions make me feel so scared that I make a small fart in the car but can’t wind down the windows in case the king of the jungle bites my face off.
Sea lions, on the other hand, make me feel happy and nice.
Tuesday 20th April
I cycle in and achieve absolute soakingness. Heilige Scheiße. Picked the wrong day to take the spare socks and unter hosen out of my ruckussackus. Hope I don’t get trenchcock.
Called for Zac who was dressed entirely in blue lycra like Sportacus from Lazytown. He has clean everything and a towel for a shower.
I try and borrow undergarments from colleagues with no luck. El Hadj Price has four pairs in various pockets but they turn out all to be chicks’ pants.
Crabtree has all his pants flown in from Vienna and is over there discussing quality issues with his supplier, so no joy there. Fredy’s pants would only do one of my ginormous buttocks, and I won’t wear Mac’s Seaslskin Gucci Boxers for ethical reasons. I am going to have to go vegan-commando.
Hope I don’t pop out at the nine-thirty meeting. Any other business? Taxi!
I spend much of the week stuffing envelopes with a letter trying to persuade our customers to buy Suma beer. I have heard that there is one customer-person in the outside world that reads this on-line pile of polenta-dust, so, to that customer (near Ludlow), firstly, ‘hello’, secondly, please order some beer. It is bottle-conditioned, carries the CAMRA mark and is organic. It is delicious and you don’t need a beard to enjoy it, though it might taste a little finer with a beard. We can supply a fairly traded goatee, our code NF007 which can be used in conjunction with the beers. Ask a member of your friendly Suma sales team for more ‘info’, which here, just means information.
Weds 21st April
Day off today. It is my birthday tomorrow and my nice lady-wife takes the day off to comfort me as I am now very old and grey. There are lots of birthdays at the moment. Emma Watson who plays Hermione Granger, artist and visionary Samantha Fox and topless model Leonardo Da Vinci. To celebrate we go to Ilkley, not Granger, Fox, Da Vinci and me! No, me and Mrs Stevens. We enjoy nice food in an Italian eaterie.
I really recommend it but am not sure where it is or what it is called. *SMILEYFACE*
Thurs 22nd April
Fridge work and 6 Music which today is great. In one morning alone they play. I Fought the Law, Here Comes your Man, What Difference does it Make? Longshot and Freak Scene.
I feel seventeen again which is a nice happy feeling but then followed by a little sad feeling because I am old now with Griff Rhys Jones’ hair on top of Sam Allardyce’s massive face.
I sweep the fridge because the Mayor is coming but he doesn’t come in to my domain. *SADFACE*
To cheer myself up I play pretend snooker with some falafels and a broom handle and listen to KLF’s ‘What Time is Lunch’.
Back to react, enough is enough.
Let me ask you a question
What time is Lunch? What time is Lunch?
For the last time KLF, we have two sittings at Suma; 12.15 and 1pm but there is flexibility within that window, you need to slightly relax your whole lunch attitude, maybe have a tahini sandwich about 10.30? Just an idea.
Friday 23rd April
Today is St George’s day. St George is the patron saint of Greece, Catalonia, Ethiopia, Palestine, Portugal, Russia and err, England.
To celebrate we are making a massive tofu statue of him which we will eat with pittas and a peppery rocket salad.
It will make us feel strong for the weekend and possibly a little farty too.