Austin Stevens’ Blog 4
Monday 1st Feb
Star date 1/2/2010. Elland, West Yorkshire.
Holy Shit it’s good to get back to work for a rest. Vass ein veekend! My eldest daughter’s birthday ‘sleep’ over, where the word sleep basically means the opposite. Like ‘Little’ John from the Robin Hood stories or like when Chris Saddlebags used to ‘work’ at Suma.
It was a Vampire Weekend. Not the Indie rock band from New York City, who sing about everyone’s cousins, just endless plays of that Vampirey Twighlight film. It’s a conservative American vampire tale where they get married at eighteen and all the vampires look vegan but they they are not.
Heilige Scheiße, da Provamel unt outa shtocken. Lässt dränk bllod! Yah professor, yah.
Getting Supporty with the Customers today. We might change our name to David Blaine Wholefoods as we make a pallet destined for a Newcastle department store magically appear in a green grocers in Norfolk. Look up our co-operative sleeves, there is no trickery.
Luckily our customers are really nice about it. Thanks, customers. Where did the pallet that should have gone to Norfolk end up? If you answered ‘Newcastle’ then have you ever considered a career in Wholefood Supportyness? If so, email your CV to,
Tuesday 2nd Feb
Supposed to be cooking Organic Microchips and Fairly Traded Haribo with Wakey today but children have poorlyness so I spend the day happily watching Dr Who. It is 1993 and The Doctor is undercover and hiding from a terrifying Alien family. He runs a Wholefood Shop in Llanberis and his cover is blown when Terry the Suma driver arrives with a smile and says,
‘Where would you like these Organic Red Kidney beans putting The Doctor? You’re definitely my favourite Gallifreyan Timelord’.
Wasn’t really Terry’s fault, he didn’t know. Least he brought the tofu. The Doctor just loves Clear Spot Organic Tofu. Davros can’t stand it. I think that’s what gives our man the edge.
Wednesday 3rd Feb
Had to work for the first thyme on a Wednesday since 1996. I remember it clearly. I was a trial member and my project was to help Mary Granger pick splits by giving her a piggy back; she couldn’t reach the higher locations and we didn’t have risey-up pick machines in them days.
Future membership projects were a little more testing. Here, you boy, organise a massive 2 day Trade Show in our warehouse with no effect on picking. That’s not fair, all he had to do was give the Lone Granger a piggyback. Get on with it. Membership costs and right here’s where you start paying….
How could I ever refuse
I feel like I win when I loose
I was just thinking of quarter lieu.
That’s the spirit.
The real Wednesday treat is to watch the Pastry Billionaire, Salty Paolo in action. What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. He can pleasure a whole room of ladies using the power of pastry alone. Pie and peas for lunch. Mmmm, salty. Lets run away together. No, Angelina Jolie love, I’ve still got a Bakewell and seven sponges to do and those dishes won’t wash themselves.
Thursday 4th Feb
Back in the fridge at 6am. Fantastiche. 6 Music on the radio and they play Just Like Honey which is a great record. If you’ve seen Lost in Translation, starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson. Just Like Honey is the song that the film ends on. Awesome, made me cry but then that’s not hard. I cried in Grange Hill when a little boy got his tuba thrown in a canal by some bullies. That was well-mega-sad.
Friday 5th Feb
I’m so happy because I have bought some Pinot noir and a Gewürztraminer from the warehouse and I’m tonight I’m going to drink them, eat a curry, get high and watch Star Trek in my pants. Does life really get any better? Of course it doesn’t. Don’t bother to beam me up Scottie
I find it difficult to concentrate on work with such an evening in mind but I try. Today’s main job is to put together a Rep trip for Captain Mackintosh. I am sending him to Nottingham, Leicester, Birmingham and all those counties that are a little bit above that place, what’s it called, full of Cockneys? That’s right, London. All our repping activity at the moment is concentrating on our new prepacks which are trail-blazingly revolutionary and awesome and they are coming to a shop near you.
Captain Mackintosh, incoming rebel account managers, set phasers to stun, take the Prius to warp factor 9 and don’t come back with anything less than 50K of extra business.