Austin Stevens’ Blog 6
Monday 15th March
Goodness gracious great balls of falafel.
Jerry Lee Lewis is the last surviving member of the million-dollar quartet.
Once had the great fortune of seeing Jerry Lee Lewis, I was right at the front. He was less then a couple of foot away wearing winkle pickers longer than a Downsborough tea-break.
Heilige Scheiße das unt nana mouskouri possibloid professor! Unt Downsborough teabreaken unt jungle-jungle massive. Yah, I know.
Tuesday 16th March
Spend all day walking to the free pallet, hoping to find Booja Booja but there’s nothing but farty stale flapjacks. I’ll leave them for Gledhill. He goes nuts for a stale farty flapjack. They’ve made him the man he is.
Mmmm Booja Booja.
Everyone likes a little Booja Booja. My favourite are the Espresso Truffles, available from all good Suma retailers (KB790) they are basically a cure for not being happy. Made in Norfolk by a chocolate genius or a team of chocolate genii.
When I am the richest human in the world I shall eat nothing but Booja Booja on a massive throne. While El Hadj Price hoovers my castle in a pair of tight shorts.
The richest human used to be Bill Gates but he kept giving his money away. Now the richest man is a Salty Paolo, the pastry billionaire. He made his millions from the Mouldy Joes. Fast Phil blew his Mouldy Millions on speeding tickets, vets bills and chin topiary.
At Suma we are love rich and cash poor. Great for making you feel happy and nice, rubbish if you want to buy some cigs.
Wednesday 17th March
Wednesday is the third day of the week and is between Tuesday and Thursday. German word is Mittwoch; literally midweek. The Icelandic name is Miðvikudagur which means, still dark, lets get spannered.
I don’t get spannered, clonkered or wonky today. I spend the day practicing being happy in a flotation tank making six or seven small farts and thinking about the similarities between dark tahini and dark matter. I conclude that they are basically the same except dark matter is nicer in a sandwich. This is what is called a joke because I like tahini, though I prefer light tahini, like life-long Suma fan Bruce Forsyth who goes mental for a bit of light tahini, tahini light. He sells it by the pallet load at his wholefood shop in Kent.
Thursday 18th March
Bicycle. Bicycle. I want to ride my bicycle. I ride along the canal to work. This is great. I literally love this, it is most favourite shit.
I’m Lance Armstrong and Gerald all rolled into one. Look at me go, ride in my slipstream. I overtake trains, I stop on the way and make minor adjustments with my allen (Tett) keys. Alan made the difficult transition from Suma member to American real estate salesman. All things in the world are possible. My favourite oil is no longer fairly traded Palestinian olive, it’s WD40.
Hooray, at last, I’m a real man. I bet I now know shit-loads about motorways, petrol consumption, miles to the gallon and stuff.
I arrive like Matthew Kelly with Stars in my eyes. Today Matthew I am going to be completely unable to work until I have had eight bowls of Suma muesli and fourteen bananas, a gazillion brews and some fairly traded monster munch.
Friday 19th March
Where’s my headache?
Oh here it is, inside my head. I’ll tell you something that is good for a headache. Gin with rice cake chasers, works every time.
Today I am concentrating, and I use this word quite loosely, on a Rep Trip for Sandra. She will be visiting 50 farm shops and doing a small presentation in the form of a song and a wiggly Irish river-dance, themed on The People’s Republic of Suma and how totally great we are and that.
Mandymandy Fineand Dandy gives me some paracetamol.
That’s better. Now to spend all day feeling smug until someone smacks me for being a cock monkey.
That really hurt.