Austin Stevens’ Blog 5
Monday 8th February
Only work half a day, not due to lazyness, I have to pick up the children. Spend half a day trying to get all supporty with the customers. Half a day is not enought to support the customers, it just isn’t, and as a result many of the customers fall over and some of them even get muddy. One customer gets very muddy with even a little bit of cow shit on them and are quite cross. Luckily I have a team behind me to fire-fight, Homie from new business rings the customer and nices it all up with them and Skillery-Hilary performs awesomely from Export. I think I will suggest at the next meeting that we change our name to Hilary Wholefoods, it sounds much better than Suma. “Hello, ‘Hilary Wholefoods,’ can I help you?” Heilige Scheiße das sounden great Professor. I’m a genius, it’s only a matter of time before I get snapped up by one of our competitors but I’ll say up yours; I’m living the socialist co-operative dream with a couple of Tonys, umpteen Daves, plenty of Emmas, many Geoffs and all my other wholefoody comrades. I’m like Billy Bragg but with a massive piece of halloumi instead of a guitar.
Tuesday 9th February
Alarm goes off early. Shit. Yesterday Me set the alarm, he wanted Today Me to go running in the dark and freezing. Yesterday Me is a nobhead. I hate Yesterday Me. Today Me wants to give him a smack. Tomorrow Me can jog, he absolutely loves running.
I told my wife the alarm had gone off, she said I was right, hadn’t made anything good since 68 Guns.
Having day off to look after children. We go to Tropical World and see meerkats, butterflies and an awesome Brazilian Albino Python. Yellow and white markings. Would make a lovely pair of trousers for Poshspice Craig, though probably would only make one leg of a pair of trousers. How hard would it be to find another Brazilian Albino Python for leg two? Posh could always ask Becs for help, I suggest they start their search in Brazil, Terry could drop them off on the Rio de Janiero Sweeper.
Wednesday 10th February
Another day off from Suma, hope I am not heading for first place in da sack race innit? To compensate I spend the whole day thinking about couscous and come to the conclusion that it isn’t that nice. Wait till I get to work and let that ground-breaking shit loose! They’ll have to keep me on. And dried basil’s not that nice either. Man, I’m good.
Thursday 11th February
Bad scene. Working in the fridge today but digital radio is rubbish. The reception is crap so we have to switch from 6 Music to Radio 2. So instead of listening to something good, my world is flooded by A-Ha and Billy Ocean.
Electricity David fom our IT Department mends my computer because he is a poppet made entirely out of electricity; a stubbly IT friend that has obviously had 250 Megs of Kindness uploaded into his lovely big heart by the PICS Droid Brereton, who quite possibly had a surplus of read-only kindness.
Friday 12th February
Knotty’s Landing cooks today with Sheena.
Sheena-Sheena, canteen cleaner, could bake a nice cake in a Ford Cortina. The food is so very beautiful, it makes me feel happy and nice all day and all of the night. Knotty makes Borche 911, quiche, new potatoes, roasted fennel and veg – just lovely and The Queen of Puddings makes a chocolate brownie so fine that it makes Captain Hook honk like a goose all afternoon. Sales plummet but we don’t care. It’s only money.