Monday 25th Jan

Morning Humpers. Hi-di-hi. You know what they say about Customer Support? They say you are only as good as your last call and my last call must have been Shabba Ranks as it would appear I’m out on my ear, sacked by Eddie Scissorhands.

So today instead of spending all day on the phone getting supporty with the customers, I am washing up and cleaning for Panetone Fawcett. He makes cauliflower cheese and chicks and guys go crazy and shower him with underwear. While cleaning I accidently squeeze Ecoleaf cleaning spray in the face of Oliver. He is a man made entirely out of berries and so doesn’t mind. He quite likes it and I haven’t had a squirt like that since the summer of ‘87. Yah Professor, yah!

Burns night and we forget to do haggis and Whole Earth forget to bring out an iron brew. Sorry lovely Jocksters.

Tuesday 26th Jan

Wakey makes a sausage casserole which is nice and sausagey.

I make chocolate brownies which are nice and chocolatey.

This is somewhat of a savoury / sweet role reversal. Several of the Suma youngsters tell me that my brownies are not as good as the Chav Princess’s. Cheeky Bastardos, Em set them up, I know it. She probably put it on Twatter or Friendface or whatever it’s called. They co-ordinated the whole thing on their mobiles to make the old guy look uncool. Well, you may all know more about teabagging and Chlamydia but I know more about gardening and motorways. Who’s the daddy now? Me. So tidy your rooms.

Wednesday 27th Jan

Used my new bionic muscles to go running the in the crags. Made Usain Bolt look like a stoned tortoise full of vegetarian hotdog sausages. A Buddist goes and gets a hotdog, what do you want asks the vendor, one with everything says the buddist and hands over a tenner. The vendor doesn’t give him any change, he explains that change comes from within.

Thursday 28th Jan

6Music at 6am in the fridge. Turn it up loud. Tears of a Clown by The Beat and Respect by Aretha Franklyn. R.E.S.P.E.C.T find out what it means to me. Aretha love, it depends on the context, come back to me with something more specific. Today I get some lovely Duddleswell cheese from the fridge. Yummy. I like cheese but would hate to milk a cow, indeed any animal. Now way. It would be on my list of least favourite things. Also on that list would be potholing and wearing cardigans. Also I don’t much like bees and lifts.

Friday 29th Jan

Wakey’s mate texts her about a gig, she says the doors are at 7pm. Heilige Scheiße , The Doors are playing? Kommen Sie light mein feugo Baby! They can’t be you, arsehole. Jim Davidson died in 1971. Nic-nic.
Said hello to someone in the warehouse and a pen fell out of my mouth. Cool. Lucky it was only Wakey’s Dad and not a chick or someone checking we weren’t employing big foolish fools.

Knotty made a delicious curry. Hey, what is that area at the top of Knotty’s stairs called? Easy, that’s Knotty’s Landing. I’m going to put Hopi ear candles in my ears and have a siesta. Bye-bye.

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