Austin’s Blog 2
The Story So Far…..
Nearly almost a little bit fatally injured during Paprikagate, (see Blog 1) Austin was taken to a secret location and remodified to make him the the perfect Suma worker. However things do not always go swimmingly for Austin; maybe it is the fault of OPSCO, maybe it’s IT’s fault, or maybe he’s just a shithead.
Monday 18th January
Still wondering why I can speak German after the accident. Heilige Scheiße die Paprikaverletzung. Maybe I could get a job in Export. That would be ace because Export is almost an anagram of sexpot. Might offer to make Ian a cup of tea…. Talking of sexing-it-up, currently on promotion in our sales office are many items for Valentines Day. Pukka Love Tea, chocolate, fizz and some lubricants! Heilige Scheiße das fühlt ever so nice, Samantha. Also condoms which when I was a boy were called rubber jonnies. Any customers reading this, don’t try and order half a case, they’re non-splittable (fwaaaap-waaaaaap). Today I work a little bit more on Captain Mac’s next Rep trip to Olde London Town where he will be letting loose our new prepack range. OMG. More of that later, very very exiting. Also today we have a cooks’ meeting. All the cooks in one room. I suggest we sack-off the meeting and make a huge broth but someone said that it would be yucky, ja.
Tuesday 19th January
My Grandpa would have been 100 years old today. Happy Birthday Stanley. To celebrate I make one of his favourites: brown lentil pie, veg and gravy. Lovely filo, thank you Grandpa. You’re welcome. It is also the birthday of the sister of Em Wakefield, the Chav Princess. The Princesses are going to celebrate with a lovely tea of Micro-chips, Haribo and Blue Wkd. Bless.
Wednesday 20th January
Not working today. With my massive bionic muscles developed so I can pick faster than Ross, I hoover the house in under four minutes dressed like Freddie Mercury. Then I break free. Good job Mr and Mrs Mercury called their boy Freddie. Craig or Preston Mercury, for example, would just sound rubbish. I spend the rest of the day learning to become a better member by thinking about herbs and spices. Cumin is definitely my favourite. Cumin is derived from the Latin word cuminum which means mmm, lovely cumin.
Thursday 21st January
In the fridge today, which is fast becoming my favourite job. Not many other humans in there so I don’t have to do chatting. I can choose the music. 6 Music is great as far as I can tell. Lots of superb musical reminiscipackages. I enjoy Express Yourself by NWA and Voodo Ray by a Guy calld Gerald. Gerald now works at Suma doing returns and spraying his legs with WD40. WD40 is so named as it is a Water Displacer and it took more than 39 times to get the formula right, un-like like my recipe for Baba Ganoush, which I nailed in 27. As far as I am aware none of NWA work at Suma although I believe that Terry occasionally delivers to Dr Dre who has a Deli in Los Angeles on the San Francisco Flyer. He just loves our balsamic vinegars , he says they are Dope. Woah there Geoffrey, just accidently nodded off. I’m going to go into shut-down until tomorrow. Kris with a K will re-boot me on friday.
Friday 22nd January
Cock-a-doodle-do Divas, Hustlers and lovers of all things co-operative, wholefoody and ethical. It is Friday and whichever way you look at it that is a fine thing as it is the begining of drink and lie-ins. However, our Friday is going to be delayed slightly as we have a co-op meeting. These happen quarterly. We all get together and make decisions about how exactly we want to live the dream. People say that shit happens. Well that’s not true. Shit doesn’t just happen. You need to plan and meet and talk, then write it up, do Prince2 and then bring it back to another meeting. That’s how shit happens.