Austin Stevens’ Blog

The Story So Far

In January 2010, Austin Stevens, a Suma member, was injured in a freak accident when a consignment of polenta went critical due to bad paprika. To avert the possibility of embarrassing PR which could be used by Suma’s competitors, he was quickly moved to a high security IT department deep within the bowels of The UK’s finest workers’ co-operative, where he was ‘genetically remodified’ by Anakin Skywalker, Podcast and Special K.

His right arm, both legs and the left eye were replaced by bionic implants that enhance his strength, speed and vision far above human norms: he can pick at speeds of 127 lines per hour (faster than Ross on halva), and his eye has a 20:1 zoom lens and infrared capabilities, making him an extremely capable warehouse-worker (more efficient than Speggy Gledhill). He uses his enhanced abilities to work for OPSCO (Operations Co-Ordinator) as a secret multi-skilled quarter-lieu agent.

Austin’s brain was enhanced in IT by PICS Droid Brereton , tweaked by Judge Jools and given massive Macro-Mergey-Brain-Dump by Electric Dave. Austin, the ultimate Suma member, now has an unbelievable spec: he has a Crabtree-like memory and an intellect twice as powerful as the finance and buying departments combined, to the power of Gordon’s balls.

The overall result is a Suma Member for the 21st Century that can demolish key-performance indicators across the business. This experiment has not been without its teething problems as Austin the Cyborg is increasingly self-aware, problematic and odd, as can be seen by reading his irregular Blogs…..

Monday 11th January

After the bump on the head and the time spent in IT, have been feeling increasingly peculiar. Strange things keep happening. This morning awoke to find that I could speak fluent German. Heilige Scheisse. Today I am verking in Customer Support planning trips for Captain Macademia, one of the World’s finest Suma Reps and top industry spokesman. I am sending him to the far corners of the UK in a motor car. He will return on Friday with a big brown bag full of new accounts for Suma so that we can continue our quest for world domination.

Tuesday 12th January

Today I am working in the canteen with Wakefield’s favourite Chav Princess. She makes a super Lemon Drizzly Rascal Cake. Mmm Dance Wiv Me. Hubba Hubba. Any Yeo Valley Cream to go wiv dat bro’? We also have rice, chilli and salad which I make and it is all adequate thank you very much. The Suma canteen is the nerve centre of Britain’s greatest workers’ co-op and is probably the best vegetarian canteen in the whole of West Yorkshire.

Wednesday 13th January

I don’t work on Wednesday so I spend the day sitting in the dark, breathing rhythmically, producing one or two small farts and preparing myself for Thursday.

Thursday 14th January
Suma is running a breakfast club this week to promote our new coffees and mueslis. Coffee is a brewed drink that is made from the roasted seeds of the coffee plant. Due to the caffeine content it is stimulating to humans and can make them look cooler and more bohemian, especially when used in conjunction with fags.Muesli is a breakfast cereal invented in 1900 by Swiss physician Dr Zeus who claimed that he would eat muesli in a box and with a fox, and in the dark and in the rain, and on a boat and on a train. The same could be said of our mueslis. They are lovely and I could literally eat them all day long. After breakfast I work at my new job in the fridge checking off orders that are delivered. I like it. First thing in the morning, in the fridge with the lights off, you can fire the barcode reader into the abyssy-darkness and pretend that you are an intergalactic vigilante retiring androids and hiding behind tofu asteroids. If you like.

Friday 15th January

Today I am in Customer Support with Nice and Safely Tim. We are looking after the needs and wholefoody well-being of our millions of lovely customers. Tim is a double agent. He is also Health and Safety Monkey who keeps everything nice in the People’s Republic of Suma. Today he is worried. We are expecting a large consignment of Organic, Fairly Traded Alphabet Spaghetti. Tim is worried that if a can falls off a pallet, high up on the racking, it could spell disaster.

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